#CBR6 Book 70: "Somewhere I'll Find You" by Lisa Kleypas

Page count: 384 pages
Rating: 1.5 stars

WARNING! This review WILL contain fairly specific plot spoilers, but it's an awful book, so you don't want to read it anyway, and should thank me for explaining in detail why you should avoid it.

Jessica Wentworth is probably the most successful actress in London, but she's hiding a deep dark secret. Her real name is Julia Hargate and she's been married to the Marquess of Savage since they were both children. Julia ran away from home and has been disowned, she only wants her independence and to become famous on the stage. Her husband, Damon, Lord Savage (yeah, I can't even begin about that name) has been searching for her for years, eager to obtain an annulment. With the dowry his family got from the arrangement, the sensible and super-serious Lord Savage has restored the family fortunes that his wastrel father gambled away, fixed up the family estate and in general, he's the responsible brother, whilst his younger brother takes after dear ol' dad.

By happy coincidence, because this is clearly that sort of book, Damon and Julia have actually met once, in passing at a country fair, but didn't know each other's true identities. After invading Julia's personal space, Damon kisses her, then they part ways again, until they meet again at a party, three years later. Damon, ever the arrogant alpha douchebag, recognizes the girl he kissed and promises Julia's employer, the theatre owner, 5000 pounds if she'll come to dinner with him - all platonic like. He already has a very demanding mistress, but wants to woo the famous Mrs. Wentworth. It doesn't take many days before he discovers that the most celebrated actress on the London stage is his long lost wife, and suddenly, Damon's no longer all that keen on an annulment. Julia, on the other hand, seems to have a terrible time figuring out what she really wants, pushing him away one second and falling into his arms the next, asking him to ravish her.

She doesn't want to give up her career, and he acts like a possessive bastard and tries to control her every move. He wants her to take her rightful place as his soon to be duchess. They both seem to fall in love after three short encounters, but still act absolutely appallingly to one another. There's a whole bunch of not really complications thrown in their way.

This book was so dumb, you guys. It's without a shadow of a doubt the worst romance I've read since Edenbrooke, which is the worst book I read in 2012 and among the worst romances I've ever had the misfortunes of reading. Still, this book fit into my Monthly Keyword Challenge and allowed me to cross another Lisa Kleypas book off my TBR list. I kept hoping that it was going to get better, because Lisa Kleypas is after all, one of the grand masters of romance, and it baffled me that something this boring and dumb was written by the same woman who wrote Tempt Me at Twilight, Devil in Winter and Dreaming of You. The info-dumping in the first few chapters is extremely heavy-handed, the characterisation of EVERY single person in the book is so lazy - most of the principal cast have only one or two significant character traits, if that.

I'm not sure on what basis Julia and Damon fall in love, except that they are both described as very physically attractive, and they were forced into a probably extremely illegal marriage alliance by their unscrupulous fathers while they were still children. This is apparently enough that they love each other after a few meetings, and Julia goes from telling Damon to leave her alone forever to throwing herself into his arms and asking him to deflower her because she "doesn't want to be alone anymore" the next. Like in the same scene, I swear. She changes her mind completely from one second to the next.

When Damon discovers that Julia has reconciled with her father and got the means to have their marriage annulled, and decided that she's going to marry her boss in a platonic marriage of convenience to further both their careers (don't ask, it's just one of the myriad oh so dumb things in this book), his way of winning her back is to get thugs to kidnap her from back stage, bind and gag her and bring her to his carriage. Because nothing says "I love you, don't marry that other guy" like forced abduction and coercion. They're both such wretched characters that I couldn't even care.

The only reason this book is getting half a star more than Edenbrooke is that at least the writing was vaguely competent in certain parts, and at no point did characters start to fight a duel inside a crowded inn! Not even rabid Kleypas-completeists should read this book. It'll only make you sad. It's a bad, dumb book and it is a waste of your time. Trust me here.

Crossposted on Cannonball Read.

#CBR5 Book 45. "Maskeblomstfamilien" (The Figwort Family) by Lars Saabye Christensen

Page count: 285 pages
Rating: 1.5 star

"I had a good childhood. My father died when I was twelve. My mother went to bed early. I was an only child." 

These are the opening lines of Maskeblomstfamilien, a title which can be translated as The Figwort Family, but which can be interpreted in several ways, and holds more than one meaning. The plants and flowers of the Figwort Family usually have large leaves that cover up and blanket the ground. The flowers are often without scent, but if they do smell, it's more of an unpleasant stench than a refreshing smell. Foxglove, and other flowers in the Digitalis family, which is a subgroup of the Figwort family, are all poisonous.

In Norwegian, the title can also be broken into three - maske means mask, blomst means flower and familien means the family. Every significant person in this novel are not entirely as they appear at first, they all wear masks. The Greek tragedy of Oedipus also plays a central part in the last third of the novel, which is in itself structured as a classical tragedy in three acts. The flower is Adrian, the protagonist, who, considering the environment in which he is raised, unsurprisingly grows up to be a deeply twisted individual. The Wang family, his family, are not supportive or nurturing, and they all have dark secrets.

Adrian Wang might claim he had a good childhood, but the reader quickly learns that he is a very unreliable narrator. Born in the 1950s, during a solar eclipse, living in a dark and mostly empty flat in the centre of Oslo, situated right behind the Royal Palace, the reader quickly sees that he is not quite like other children. He doesn't take part in P.E, with a doctor's note ensuring that he can stay on the sidelines. He is told by more than one adult that he is completely shameless. He overhears his parents arguing with the family doctor about an operation that needs to be performed before he grows too old, and it's too late. He appears completely devoid of empathy for others, a calculating, devious child, always wanting to manipulate situations to his own advantage.

His mother is beautiful, delicate and distant. His father works long hours as a patent engineer. He doesn't seem to be around much, and when he's not working, he shuts himself away in his home office, or sits in the parlor, reading Time magazine with hands covered in white gloves. There is also an aunt, his father's older sister, who Adrian nicknames "the skeleton". She's skinny, bitter and cracks her knuckles loudly. These are the adults our protagonist is supposed to take his guidance from.

When it comes to peers his own age, Adrian doesn't really have any. He's a solitary child, with no real friends to speak of. None of the other boys seem to like him much, and more than once he is bullied and beaten up. The closest thing he has to a friend is Emilie, the Albino girl who lives one floor down from him. She's also an only child, and more of an obvious victim with her milky white skin, cleft lip and red, sensitive eyes. She tries to show Adrian kindness and friendship, but is frequently met with scorn and rebuffed.

The book follows Adrian from the age of 12 until he is 17. As he says in the opening lines - his father died when he was twelve - by shooting himself in the head with a shotgun. Whether it's because his business is failing, or something darker and more sinister, is unclear. Lillian, Adrian's already frequently distant mother, retreats into silent grief and/or shame and becomes the Widow for the remains of the story. The aunt moves in and tries to take control of the household. The Widow is moved from the master bedroom to the maid's pantry, spending most of her time in bed, until she is finally so far gone that she is taken away by the family doctor, and only Adrian and the Aunt remain, locked in a battle of wills. Then, at the end of the first act, Emilie disappears, to be found three days later, dead in the basement. Was her death an accident, or did something worse happen to her?

Lars Saabye Christensen is a very critically acclaimed Norwegian writer, and most of his books deal with boys growing up in Oslo in the 1950s and 60s. His protagonists are often a bit different, wanting nothing so much as to fit in, be one of the guys. He has a brilliant way with words, but despite this being the sixth of his novels that I've read, his books at best leave me indifferent and bored, and at worst, creep me out and disgust me. This book was one of the ones that absolutely disgusted me. I found it completely impossible to even vaguely sympathise with Adrian, despite the ways he is mistreated as a child, and clearly not given the help he so desperately needs. When he was bullied and beaten, a part of me cheered the bullies on. It's obvious from very early on that bad things are going to happen in the book, and that Adrian is going to be the cause of some of them. He is a sociopath and a very evil person. I wanted horrible things to happen to him. I don't like feeling that way when I read, I was comforted to hear that most of the others in my Norwegian course, including the lecturer felt much the same way - you're clearly not meant to like Adrian. Even so, I've given Christensen six chances, and with each new book I read, I'm more convinced than before that his books are not for me. I'm not going to be reading any more of Christensen's books, even if most of them don't have such twisted protagonists.